am I taking over?

am I the only one being naughty?
sneaking in a calorie or 2000?

Kamie flew into phoenix today, so we could have a day of pretending we were still in our 20's - playing in downtown Mesa....  it was fun.  Sad how things change...
bodies are fatter (mine, not hers), stores have changed - sometimes change can make you feel old and wishing for the easier times of leisure and joy, leaving you feeling lost and bewildered as to where time has gone.

Mike and I drove past our old homes a couple of days ago.  Nell, our home by Heather's has faded leaving it looking more like a home that was once a lovely color, into a home that has been sun bleached and wind washed.  

I realized today how unsettled I feel right now.  Utah is not my home, neither is Arizona.
I want to feel settled.  I pray to feel settled, and I don't.
I do not thrive on feeling unsettled.
Nell - you can relate.  Right?
Annie, Fats?
Mike and I talked about how you can never go back - and even if you do, things have changed so drastically that it's just never the same - friends have moved away, people change, kids grow up..
We had a good life here in Arizona.

Our life now isn't as carefree as it was back then.
Shouldn't it be the other way around?
shouldn't your life become easier and more carefree as you grow older?  shouldn't your banks be fuller, more money - more love and knowledge?  shouldn't you feel as if you are unbreakable and nothing can break or tear you down?  shouldn't you have some sort of map that you have already drawn out and you are over the baby steps and are now taking long strides in the right direction?
a lot of "shouldn't" s  .

I want to feel like I have a direction -

I chatted with Mike about what I would do if I went back to school -
I would love to do graphic design, but I'm not competitive enough - and I'm not arrogant enough.

I want to do something I love.  however I don't want to be stuck doing something that would fill my thoughts of pity parties and comparisons.  Rather, I'd like to end the day knowing that I did something unbelievably well - and that I made a change in someone's life.

which would bring me back to teaching OR nursing.....
I'm too crabby when I am tired, thus nursing might not be @ the top of the totum pole of grand ideas...  I always think of Nurse Annie -- who I am sure is just as kind as can be, where as I would most likely dry-heave with the stinky folks, and get annoyed by the dead-beat parents.  (did mom or I ever tell you about the nurse who thought I was a dead beat parent after I had spent 10 days in the hospital with David after his initial brain surgery, to which mom quickly disputed his thoughts and theories - which briskly shut him up.  he became one of my 2 favorite nurses....  I do dislike dead beat parents.)

So....
I am determined to return to where my clothes and bed and couch is @ this moment, which is where I vocally say "home", however spiritually, I do not concur - where when I reach this place in Utah, I will contact a couple of schools to meet with a counselor about my options -find out what math's I do or do not have to take.... and go from there.  I can do this.  I can do this.  repeated over and over again.


that said.
am I taking over this whirlwind blog?
or am I the only one who likes to get out of my mind and on to screen what I may or may not have done/thought/ate... and ate.  and ate....

love you -
Joanie